Who knew, right? And, judging from a cursory glance at this year’s French Film Festival offerings, they’re not very good at it either.

Plots centered around unlikely friendships, sexual and/or oceanic discovery, THE ENVIRONMENT!?!?! Not a single film with a sassy alien, a homicidal tire or someone in a fat suit as its lead protagonist. Nearly two-dozen works being screened and not one in 3-D! Not one based on a video game! NOT ONE directed by Tyler Perry!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE???

So, if you’re the type that appreciates expressive cinematography, nuanced characters or dream sequences populated by anything other than big-breasted chicks with t-shirt canons, you may want to swing by the Byrd this weekend. (View the full festival schedule HERE.)

Of course, those Francophilic freaks at Secco will be joining in the fray. All weekend long they’re offering extended hours (11 AM to midnight) and a special “On the Go” menu — perfect for those with limited time between screenings. They’re even surrendering ending the festivities by taping a firkin of Pommeau on Monday night.

Me, I want nothing to do with this nonsense. Until this hysteria blows over I’ll be sequestered in an underground bunker where I’ll observe a strict boycott on all things French (with the possible exception of wine, cheese, cognac, the Statue of Liberty, the separation of church and state, the Virgin Suicides soundtrack, selected piano works by Claude Debussy and the notion of Democracy as we know it).

-Matt