Maybe you’ve read reports of it online or seen it on the news, perhaps you’ve even come across the fleet of RV’s circling downtown, each emblazoned with the words “Judgment Day: May 21, 2011.”  Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know that THE WORLD IS GOING TO END THIS SATURDAY!

Of course, the math behind it all is very confusing. Which is probably why the man propagating this doomsday theory, Harold Camping, an 89 year-old retired civil engineer and founder of Family Radio Worldwide, originally predicted the day of judgment to come in 1994. Still, a little sloppy math does not a false prophet make.

“Sh*t, I forgot to carry the one!” – Ezekiel 33:3

And, this time, Camping’s explanation makes total sense (in a “doesn’t make any sense at all” kind of way).

In fact, we have so much faith in this apocalyptic vision, we’re willing to bet our assets on it.

IF, the world still exists on Sunday, May 22, Secco Wine Bar will run bubbly specials all day long!

For starters, we’ll pop open our super-special reserve of Larmandier Champagne Rosé (normally available by-the-bottle only) and offer it by-the-glass at an insanely fair price. On top of that, we’ll extend a sweet discount on all bottles of sparkling wine. Naturally, the dark forces of the A.B.C. (the Army of Beelzebub’s Conquest…what did you think I was referring to?) forbid us from promoting any drink deals, so I can’t get into any specifics at the moment.

You’ll just have to come down to our little bar at the intersection of West Cary and Sheppard (or, as it will be known by then — the intersection of the River of Blood and the River of Tears) and have your dutiful servers Sara, Sarah and Jenny (Satan, Satahn and Jezebel) hip you to the day’s specials.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to look for further messages by playing a Creed album backwards (so far all I’ve determined is that it sounds like a Pearl Jam album playing forwards).

See you in Hell suckers!

Matt
Secco Wine Bar